In this deeply personal and vulnerable episode, Jeanne takes you through her recent journey with burnout. In her own voice she gives a real-time, raw account of what it feels like to be burnt out and suffer from emotional fatigue. This episode is not for sensitive listeners.
DISCLAIMER: This episode is not meant to diagnose or treat any illness. This is Jeanne's own personal experience. This episode discusses triggers and vulnerable emotional states. Please be aware that this may not be for younger audiences, or sensitive listeners. If you think you are struggling with burnout or other mental and/or emotional difficulties please reach out to your healthcare provide and/or support network.
In this deeply personal and vulnerable episode, Jeanne takes you through her recent journey with burnout. In her own voice she gives a real-time, raw account of what it feels like to be burnt out and suffer from emotional fatigue. This episode is not for sensitive listeners.
Key Moments in the Episode:
00:00 Introduction
01:46 Background to the content in this episode and what led to it.
04:50 Why Jeanne is frustrated with the Self-Help environment in the context of anxiety relapses and/or burnout.
06:22 How the stress of building something new and the entrepreneurial space contributes to this moment.
08:00 A description of how Jeanne feels in this moment and the symptoms thereof.
11:20 What led to this relapse?
12:30 The loss of Jeanne's identity and coming to terms with what her life looked like post her human right career.
21:15 How life happens and how this affects your journey.
30:30 Dealing with feelings of shame, guilt and self-criticism.
30:48 Conclusion
Jeanne Retief: Blog | Podcast | Instagram | FIGGI Beauty Shop
[00:00:00.000] - Jeanne
Hello, FIGGI goddess. Before we start this week's episode, I would like to clarify a few things. This episode was formed about two and a half months ago. I really considered just trashing this episode and not releasing it. But after careful thought, I think that it's so real and so true. So I'm going to take the plunge and be this vulnerable. I just also want to let you know I am in a much better space. I've taken all the right steps. I've reached out for help. I have a support network. I'm working closely with my medical professionals. This episode could be triggering for those that are sensitive or currently experiencing some heightened anxiety, anxiety relapse, or a burnout or emotional fatigue. I was really suffering during this period, and I don't want any of you to suffer. It's just my raw and real and true story of where I was at that moment. Maybe it could help some of you feel less alone. Maybe you understand what I was going through. But please approach this episode with caution. Be kind to yourself, love yourself, and know that I am releasing this episode in a much better space.
[00:01:21.220] - Jeanne
I'm doing well and all is well. I hope you enjoy it.
[00:01:26.240] - Intro
Welcome, goddess, to your sacred space. This is my FIGGI Life podcast, where we openly discuss life's wins and losses on our journeys to self discovery. This is your best life. This is your FIGGI Life. Now, here is your host, Jeanne.
[00:01:45.760] - Jeanne
Hello, FIGGI goddess, and welcome to this episode. I'm filming this episode in real time, which means I'm not prompted with talking points and I'm not going to do a lot of editing on this episode. I'm just sharing where I'm at and the reality of it. If it sounds a little bit confused or disjointed, I pray that you forgive me and just stick with me. This episode is definitely for those of us who experience some burnout, mental emotional fatigue, what that feels like, and how lonely that can be. Ultimately, I hope it can help someone. As I'm doing this podcast, I have a blinding migraine and I am so tired, all I want to do is sleep. The reality of the situation for me at the moment is that I am not okay. I'm not in an okay space. I have been struggling a lot lately.
[00:02:54.370] - Jeanne
So why the hell am I putting this on a podcast and putting it out there for everybody to to hear and share in. I am an extremely private person and especially when things get tough for me, I or my first inclination is to withdraw into myself because I am a really sensitive person and when things are so overwhelming for me, it's really difficult for me to interact with the outside world because I don't know what to say or how to act or how to be or how to fix it. I find my best power of healing and being okay to just be in a space where I can just completely withdraw within myself and just figure things out in the silence of my own mind. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I have created... Definitely not unfortunately. As you know, I've created this fake community. And one of the things that I keep saying is that there is no secret to happiness and life always happens and it's okay not to be okay. And now I find myself in this really challenging position because I don't like to You know, it's not natural for me to share this amount of personal difficulty.
[00:04:23.640] - Jeanne
But where would that put me if I am saying that this is a place where other women like me that have struggled and achieved and still looking for this professional and personal purpose can come to and where we have honest conversations if I cannot be honest. So the reason why I'm sharing this is for anybody out there that may be feeling the way I'm feeling right now. One of the things that I keep on saying, especially in terms of my panic disorder, is that I'm really frustrated with the self help environment because there is so much conversation and communication around the fact that there are these steps that you can take and once you take them, you're a winner and you'll never have burnout again. And there are things that you can do so you never have a relapse and anxiety again and that you're completely cured of it. And I've said it so many times, it's such a demotivating factor because life happens. And that means that relapses happen and tough times happen. It's difficult to get through those if you're constantly bombarded with these messages of how you can be perfect and how you can make this go away forever and never experience this again.
[00:05:41.810] - Jeanne
So before I get too deep into this episode, I would like to just put it out there straight from the get go. I have taken the necessary steps and the responsible steps that I need to take in this time. I have contacted my psychiatrist. I am following all of the guidelines guidelines. I'm taking my prescribed medication as I should. I have made new appointments with my therapist. I've reached out to my family physician who's done a barrage of blood tests just to make sure there are no vital minerals and vitamins missing in my body or anything else going on. All of those checklists have been done. So what's the problem? It has been, and I think this is something that a lot of business owners do not share. Even the successful ones that are write all these books of how to have amazing businesses, to me, it always feels like they skim over the part that was difficult. And they almost liken it to some romance in the beginning. Oh, they boosted it strapped and it was so difficult. And they had these challenges and they were working out of these dingy offices. And then the story automatically flips to the other side and they're a successful billion dollar company.
[00:06:59.120] - Jeanne
Very few entrepreneurs and business owners will really take you into the depths of despair and exhaustion and difficulty that you face when you are starting up a new business. Even when you have a successful business, the downs that you have, they always skim over that. Today, I'm aiming not to do that. It's been a very long and hard road since I started FIGGI. I have been following all of the rules, taking my medication, consulting with my psychiatrist, keeping track with all of my lifestyle management tools, meditating regularly, taking regular small breaks throughout the day, hydrating, eating healthy meals, trying my best to have a healthy bedtime and sleeping schedule. Although I've always been a difficult sleeper, my anxiety disorder makes that worse, so I do struggle with that. However, the last couple of weeks, I've just been feeling so incredibly exhausted. I'm mentally fatigued. I am emotionally fatigued. I have no energy. The only thing that I can think of is the next moment I get to lie down and sleep. I feel like it's such a chore to put my one foot in front of the other. I feel like it's just so much to concentrate on stupid, silly things.
[00:08:33.250] - Jeanne
I mean, just making dinner takes me an hour to figure out what I'm going to do. Just silly things that are really not that hard are just overwhelming to me at the moment. I cry at the drop of a hat. I am so demotivated at the moment. I feel like I have this constant anxiety bubbling beneath the surface. And it's just part of life. All of those old feelings are bubbling up again. Jeanne, you've been here before. You've had this type of overwhelming fatigue before. You've had burnout before. You've had relapses in your panic disorder before. You've been here. And then you think, how come am I so weak? If I look at the people around me that have equal or even more stress than I do, and they seem to be able to just float through it, or chin up and get through it, or fake it till they make it. Why am I not like that? Why does it have to be so hard for me? And even though when you're bitter and you look back on it and you think, You know what? You should really cut yourself some slack. You should really be a little self forgiving, which I'm sure a lot of you in my position can attest to.
[00:09:56.710] - Jeanne
It's always so easy to forgive others. But when it comes to forgiving yourself, oh boy, that's such a hard one. That's such a hard one. You also think, what am I doing wrong? Why am I so needy? I see people around me that are so driven and so motivated and say things like, oh, I just handle stress differently, or I don't think stress affects me the same way as it affects other people. And you're thinking to yourself, what is wrong with my wiring? That these people can flow through life like this, and I have to have an emotional, I don't know what to call it, collapse, complete emotional collapse. The other feelings that also come up again are the feeling of complete shame and guilt for putting your family through this again. The fact that you can't get out of bed or that you're so consumed by these thoughts that stress you out that it's so difficult for you to be a present parent and wife. And you get these instances where they're looking at you like you have the answer and you just don't. You don't know how to make it better. You don't have the answer.
[00:11:14.730] - Jeanne
That's the last thing you have. So what has led to this? I think since I started FIGGI, I've just been, as I usually do, running at 300 kilometers an hour. And the thing about FIGGI is that it was born from a place of such need and hurt and necessity. I have so much faith in this and the fact that this is where I'm supposed to be and this is what I'm really meant to be doing. I have such a passion for my skincare line and what I've done and how I've transformed my experience into a position where I am able to make these products and offer them. But at the same time, when I'm looking looking back at it now. There are two major things that I feel have contributed to where I am now. One, as it always is, the mind forgets, the body never has been dragging along, I think, since I created FIGGI because it's something that I haven't dealt with and I haven't grieved properly and it's rearing up now. And the other is life circumstances that I will explain. So first, when I decided to live ive my human rights consultancy behind, it was a very difficult decision for me to make.
[00:12:35.620] - Jeanne
We had moved to a new country to offer our daughter a better life and also to expand our businesses and reach out to new countries and this was an exceptionally easy transition for my husband because his business was already set up in that way. So moving here actually was the step he needed to take to make that easier because it was actually a lot more frustrating for him where we were originally based in South Africa. His business was already operating in all of these various locations and places and my business was very much focused on African projects and programs and the African development community. When we moved to Portugal, we landed here five days before COVID lockdown, before the entire world shut down. And with human rights, everything centers on donations and sponsorships. So what's the first thing that absolutely completely instantly went away? It's donations and sponsorships because companies doing corporate social responsibility had to look after their own people and their own livelihoods. And there was just so much confusion about what projects need to continue and what needs to be left behind. And so many things were stolen in the pipeline. Add to that that I had moved to a new country, being a foreigner here, obviously, if there were new opportunities to be given, companies would give it to their own people or their own nationals or their own citizens, which made it even harder.
[00:14:07.650] - Jeanne
So this was such a blessing in disguise for me because the African leg of my consultancy continued to do really well, but it just was not translating into the European model at that time. During this time, I was still very blind to the fact that this was not where I was meant to be. I was continuously over exerting myself. I had given up so much in my consultancy. I literally missed the first year of my daughter's life. I see photos and pictures now, videos where I can't even remember that day, or I can't even bring a memory to mind of what she looked like in that face, or how her laugh sounded, or her giggle, or what the first steps were, because I was always traveling and I was always trying my best to show the world and everybody that I worked with that, No, it's okay. I've had a baby. Maybe, but I'm still here. I'm still willing to work. I'm still willing to do it. And it was just so important for me to show that I kept on doing that. I kept on pushing myself even after I already had a panic disorder diagnosis and I had a super difficult pregnancy with immense postpartum anxiety.
[00:15:19.130] - Jeanne
I just kept on pushing. And when we got to Portugal, I was just so exhausted. But I didn't connect the dots yet that I was exhausted because I was pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing something that wasn't really good for my soul anymore. And when I had to sit down and think about it, and I eventually came to the decision that, listen, am I going to keep pushing this because it's not healthy for me? I'm pushing something that's not loving me back, that's not bringing me joy anymore, that's only stressing me out. But as I say, that was a really difficult decision to make. And what made that even worse was when we got here, we all have ways that we identify ourselves. The person that we are, who we are to others, who we are to ourselves, we all have an identity. I think that identity is very much tied into our purpose. And when we got here, and this is not at all vanity, it's just losing your identity and not acknowledging that you have to grieve that in order to move on. My hobby, as amazing as he is, went forth and conquered.
[00:16:32.640] - Jeanne
As I am not at all surprised he did. But that's not the way it worked out for me. I went from being a really respected expert in my field who worked with really high level executives and government officials, attended presidential election outcomes, and declaring whether elections were free and fair. I was addressed as Dr. Jeanne-Mari or Jeanne-Mari. I went in an instant from that to just Jeanne, Hof's wife. Nobody could say my name. So I became Jeanne, Jane, Gin. And it just never occurred to me to mind because I was in such a survival mode. I was just thinking, Okay, we're here. We made it here. We're here. We have to make it work. We have to fit in with the culture. I have to learn a new language, we have to make friends, we've got to make it work. I went from being a super independent, successful in my own right career woman. I don't even get why people are so down on it because let me tell you, I have nothing against it and I have crazy respect for stay at home moms. But in the eyes of so many, I went from being this person that I was to, Oh, whatever happened to her?
[00:17:58.750] - Jeanne
And to people that started to know me here. It was such a difficult transition for me to make because I went from having important business lunches and meals and being unbelievably intellectually challenged and stimulated to just gene. And my problems all of a sudden, or difficulties that I had became so menial to others because there would be this notion of, Oh, she's just Hoff's wife. He takes care of her. He looks after her. She's lucky. Everything I did was more of a hobby than it was drive or purpose or ambition. I just did it because I didn't really need to do it. I have a husband taking care of me. I'm just doing it as a hobby. I went from being incredibly independent, respected in my own right for my business views, to somebody that doesn't understand the stress of the working woman and doesn't relate to that, that can offer up any time and any space within a given week and day because I have time. I just live in this house. My husband bought it for me and that's my purpose. I don't have stress and my career doesn't matter. That loss of identity and again, I'm not trying to offend anybody.
[00:19:17.780] - Jeanne
I'm just trying to explain to you where I am coming from. That loss of identity was extremely difficult for me. And I only recently started understanding and seeing that that is what happened to me and that I didn't grieve that and I didn't correctly deal with that. Anyway, the good that came out of that was FIGGI was born, which is so much better for me because I'm not in this situation where I'm constantly in conflict, which is so against my personality type. I can take my decades of experience with helping others and building rights and platforms and communities to helping women that feel like me. It's just so much more in line with my soul and who I am as a person and what I have to offer. Which brings me to point number two. Okay, if I've been here before, if I say that I've taken all the right steps, I've found my therapist, I went to my doctor, I've been doing self care, I haven't been slacking on my style. What changed? Why did I still burn out? I mean, there are so many, or why do I still have such extreme mental and emotional fatigue?
[00:20:22.680] - Jeanne
There are so many people that will tell you out there that you're not doing it right because if you were doing it right and following the right steps, you would have never burned out again, or you would have never had this form of mental, physical, emotional, exhaustionion, and fatigue again. And today, I am here to tell you that that is the biggest and most insensitive and un fair lie that society can feed you. Relapses happen. Why do they happen? Because life happens. I was telling you, when you're in this stage, you go back to all of your thoughts and feelings and it's like you step back in time and everything that you've already resolved and figured out for yourself you're wondering about again. Why am I so weak? Why can't I just shake myself out of this? Why do I have to be so impacted by stress? Why do I overthink things so much? Why can others do it and I can't? But looking back to my first time and where I am now, a lot of things have changed. The first time this happened to me, I had an incredible, incredible support system. I'm not saying I no longer have that support system.
[00:21:39.280] - Jeanne
I'm saying life happened and that support system was not as available to me this time as it was last time. When I was diagnosed with panic disorder and I had a severe case of burnout that coincided with that, I had a support system that just jumped in and was there for me. When COVID happened, a lot of things changed, especially for business owners. Everything went into overdrive. My husband's business is not an exception. I mean, work became so much more stressful so much more hours, so much more responsibilities. I mean, he was just so busy. I think everybody in our inner circle assumed that Figgie must be so easy for me, even though I've never been in a product based business before and knew nothing about shipping and logistics, I knew nothing about international business and taxes and all of that that goes with it. I had this amazing mentor in my husband because he's built that a hundred times over and he's still a rock star at it. But the truth is, he wasn't able to be available to me. Not because he didn't want to, but because he had his own fires to bliss.
[00:22:57.310] - Jeanne
So I was really alone and I did all of this alone. I figured it out alone. I had no support, I had no guidance. I could maybe balance a question or two of him every now and again, which I didn't want to do because weekends are also his time to relax and just ease himself out of it. I've been running and I've been running and I've been running and I've been running at this pace. And it's just all come to a head the last couple of months. First and foremost, I have been running myself ragged, trying to get these people beautiful, beautiful FIGGI skincare products into the hands of my FIGGI community. And I have been met with so many obstacles. You know when it feels like everything that's worth it is hard, but you also get to a point where you're so tired of climbing over a mountain, finally getting to the other side, and then seeing that an even bigger mountain is in front of you that you need to deal with. I can unequivocally say that I am really proud proud of myself for figuring out so many things and putting together FIGGI in the way that I have.
[00:24:06.910] - Jeanne
But one of the things that I really failed at was marketing and the message. It's such a difficult thing to navigate and I made really, really bad decisions about that that have led me into a really difficult space. And it's so hard to forgive myself for that because I criticized myself so much. And let me tell you, that's not a fun space to be in. Finding a good marketing team that doesn't rip you off, that honestly has your best interests in heart and that can tell you the tangible things that they're going to do and the results that they're going to give you and then deliver on those. But I am so lucky because I think even the universe saw that it cannot throw me any more drama. It needs to just give me a break. It sent me this incredible, incredible im credible team I have now. I always tell people when they ask me what's the most important thing in life and I say kindness and I say it's such a cliché because everybody says, Oh yeah, we need more kindness, we need more love in the world. Every single moment in my life that brought about amazing change and possibility has always been directly linked to somebody showing me immense kindness.
[00:25:24.280] - Jeanne
These people have come on board trying to fix something that is not their mess. And the kindness flowing from them to help me with this is just so unbelievably incredible. On top of all this, my husband had so many business obligations this last couple of months, and he's effectively been away from home for a month. So it's been me with all of my figure responsibilities and the crazy hours I work with that, and my little five year old and all the responsibilities that come with running the house, being there for your little girl, and you will know if you're a mom, this sounds like, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the household, oh, yeah, the kid. If you're used to being a team, this is a lot to take on when you're already at your breaking point. And that was just the straw that broke the camels back for me. When my husband returned, I think I had this view in my mind of, Oh, my goodness, thank goodness. My teammate is back and we can get to a healthy equilibrium again. But he came back and he had severely injured his knee. He couldn't walk. It was so swollen.
[00:26:36.390] - Jeanne
So immediately all help out of the window. And I don't mean to sound selfish. And believe me, I have chastised and criticized and beat myself up over this so much. How could I be such a horrible person that my husband can come home after an excruciating business trip in pure exhaustion with such an incredible injury, he's not even able to walk and cry about the fact that I don't have the help I thought I was going to have. I was so incredibly mean to him when he came through that door and I saw that everything in me just died. I was just like, You have to be joking. I can't do this anymore. I've been holding out. Ever since he's been home between his injury and everything else, there are many mornings that he's not here because he has to leave early to attend meetings. And it's like he isn't here at all because I have to do everything then again. In the morning routines, I have to move my meetings, I have to adjust my plans. And at night, many times, he's had to go for exams and MRIs and everything for his knee, obviously.
[00:27:50.010] - Jeanne
So life, now I ask you, being at this point, how do you avoid mental exhaustion and achieving this place when you're doing everything right? When you're taking all the steps you're supposed to be taking? When you're doing all the checklists? When you're on par with healthy living styles? But life still happens. I mean, it's just not possible. Sometimes it's just not possible to say, Okay, you know what? I'm just taking off this week and I'm looking after myself. But you have a loved one that needs your constant care. You have a child to look after. You have a business that you're trying to look after. Rying to just get to the next phase. It's just so impossible. What makes it worse is that people will say things like, Oh, you just need to rest, or, You just need to take time off. You really should make time for self care. Let's look at how we can adjust your schedule to make it better for you. I am a verified expert in this, in anxiety and living with an anxiety disorder. The symptoms of that and mental and physical and emotional fatigue, and burnout. I've been there.
[00:29:06.480] - Jeanne
I've done it all. And I'm the poster child for following the steps that I need to take to make sure that it doesn't reoccur and reoccur. And I'm living a healthy lifestyle and I'm in a good space. But sometimes, life just screws you. And you just do your best to get through that part. And that's my point. It doesn't matter how hard you try to seek the secrets of happiness and utopian bliss in this life, you will still get knocked down. You will still struggle. You will still suffer sometimes. And it will not always be in your hands to fix it right away. You won't always have a support system. You won't always have things that you can do to make it better immediately. And then all we have is each other. So this is for all of you that feel the way that I feel. That feel like you're constantly fighting trying and doing your best. That feel like you're reading all the books and taking all the advice and moving towards all the correct steps. But things still seem to fall apart sometimes. It's okay, they do fall apart. And in all honesty, they probably will again.
[00:30:18.900] - Jeanne
The best thing we can do is to try and love ourselves through it. And it's so hard. It's so hard because that little voice of self criticism is so convincing and so loud. I don't have the answer for you. I can't tell you what to do to make it better. I can only tell you that I'm here. I know what it feels like. I'm in the thick of it and I am trying my best to get to the other side. And if you're here to just know you're not alone, this happens. It doesn't define you. It's just life and life happens. Thank you for listening to the My FIGGI Life podcast. Please consider subscribing to be notified of new episodes.