Drs. Kelley and Jeanne discuss the concept of dating Self, the importance of getting to know and love yourself, and how this contributes to healthy relationships.
Drs. Kelley and Jeanne explore the idea of self-care and self-improvement, emphasizing the need to know oneself, love oneself and find happiness in who you are.
Takeaways
Dr. Amelia Kelley (01:40.27)
Hello, I'm Dr. Amelia Kelly. I'm a trauma-informed therapist with a passion for self-empowerment and especially helping neurodiverse folks and sensitive souls find their place in this not always sensitive world. I am also an author and professor of counseling psychology and I love spreading knowledge about mental health. I truly believe it's the foundation to self-empowerment and I cannot wait to talk with you all about our topic today.
jeanne (02:04.572)
Yeah, today's going to be so interesting, especially with Valentine's Day. Do you guys celebrate Valentine's Day? Do you, are you for it or are you, it's a big corporation making money kind of scheme thing.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (02:08.994)
Hmm?
Dr. Amelia Kelley (02:18.648)
I mean, we're actually for it just because I'm a very celebratory person in general. So we tend to do a date. It doesn't always have to be on Valentine's Day. Like we're actually going to go to a cooking class like the day after or something. What was that?
jeanne (02:29.882)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (02:34.38)
Oh, nice. What will you be cooking? What will you be cooking?
Dr. Amelia Kelley (02:41.482)
So I'm pescatarian, so we contacted them and said, you know, what kind of options is it going to just be a big slab of meat? So I think we're doing like handmade pasta or something like that. Yeah, but then on Valentine's Day, the actual day, we actually do like a little special family night, like we'll make dinner and stuff. So to me, I look at it as if you have anyone you love, it's a fun way to remind yourself to do something nice or to
jeanne (02:45.81)
Yeah.
jeanne (02:52.028)
Ooh, nice.
jeanne (03:07.545)
Ah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (03:10.442)
spend like quality time. But I also look at our self-love and our relationship with ourself equally on that scale. So to me, I can see how if you look at it the right way, it can just be a reminder to check back in with your relationships.
jeanne (03:13.541)
Oh, that's nice.
jeanne (03:27.98)
Okay, that's a nice way of looking at it. I never thought about it that way. We don't celebrate Valentine's Day because I think like we just do things or see it in the way that we yes, you have to celebrate each other every day. But we love to do really big things for our anniversary and to celebrate that and it's on the 19th of March. So we always yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (03:43.918)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (03:50.647)
Oh nice.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (03:55.078)
I was like, if we have the same anniversary after the same birthday, I will just fall off my chair. No, we're in July.
jeanne (03:57.736)
No, that's too crazy. That's too crazy. So we always kind of flow Valentine's Day for something big and amazing on the wedding anniversary, but we did think about doing something this year, just for my little girl, she's six and you know, at school they make things and do things, so it may be nice to just do something for her.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (04:07.232)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (04:12.96)
Oh.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (04:16.341)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. I love that. But I do also see it can be a very triggering holiday too. I mean, it really can make you feel a certain way if you've lost someone or you had a bad breakup or you haven't been able to find a person that really you connect with or you're struggling with self-love. So I can absolutely see, I mean, really like any holiday, any holiday can trigger strong emotions when it's a time that we're supposed to be exploring strong emotions.
jeanne (04:25.844)
Hmm.
jeanne (04:46.853)
Mm-hmm.
Oh yeah, for sure. And that's actually what we're talking about today is dating yourself and getting to know yourself, which I think is so interesting because I don't know about you, but I think if you get to the age we are, it kind of starts to a little bit click into place a little bit more like you need to be able to love yourself, understand yourself, can't look to others to do that for you, but that doesn't kind of give you the solution.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (04:55.278)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (05:18.987)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (05:19.564)
You still need to figure that out for yourself. And especially as women, when you're in this stage, you may have young kids, you may have older kids leaving the house, going to college and you change because you're always adapting to what somebody else needs from you and what they need your personality or your emotions or whatever to look like to be able to nourish and comfort. So you're always kind of losing yourself along the way. So dating yourself is such a new...
Dr. Amelia Kelley (05:27.54)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (05:46.414)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (05:48.98)
important and I think interesting concept because there's so much to unpack.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (05:55.122)
Mm-hmm. I think you really hit a good point here. When it comes to any relationship, if you're not investing in the relationship, it will suffer. And so if your major investment is in raising your children, which makes a lot of sense if you have young children or children in general, but the relationship with yourself gets sidelined,
jeanne (06:07.986)
Hmm.
jeanne (06:16.656)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (06:23.038)
Of course it's going to suffer. Of course you're going to lose touch with, what do I really want in this moment? And if you have less of a relationship with yourself, I really believe it makes it more difficult to set boundaries and handle conflict or even know if you're being treated the way you should be treated in a relationship because she or he is not speaking up to you internally saying, hey, we don't like this.
jeanne (06:43.52)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (06:49.892)
Yeah. And that's also a huge issue is because we do tend to put ourselves last, we do tend to put our needs last and what we think and what we feel matters somehow less than what somebody else feels or is experiencing. So if we were to say, okay, let's talk about dating yourself. Let's unpack that, right? Why would we want to talk about that? First of all,
Dr. Amelia Kelley (07:11.797)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (07:16.284)
It would be to understand who you are as a person and what you want out of life, really, and how you want life to treat you. How would you see that?
Dr. Amelia Kelley (07:16.68)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (07:25.954)
Right?
So actually, I kind of want to grab my book. So.
jeanne (07:32.34)
Yeah, so you actually had a great reference to this in your book what I wish I knew Yes, and it's in the episode description. So be sure to link that I think actually This book is also audible
Dr. Amelia Kelley (07:38.521)
Mm-hmm. Hehehehe.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (07:47.342)
is coming out on Audible this week. Yes.
jeanne (07:49.064)
Ah, okay, awesome. So you can get it on amazon.com or Audible. So be sure to check that out.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (07:53.99)
Yes, yes, read by myself and Kendall Anne, the authors.
jeanne (08:00.284)
Oh, that's awesome. You have to go and check this out. I will put the link in the description for sure.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (08:05.962)
I'm so excited. Yeah, Kendall Anne has this amazing storytelling capability and it's her story. So she's owning it. And I'm excited because when you're going through something really difficult, so the book is what I wish I knew surviving and thriving after an abusive relationship and it was her survivor story. And when you're going through something like this, not everyone has the time to sit down and read a book. You know, you're going through so much stress. Sometimes the only me time I get
jeanne (08:30.42)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (08:34.806)
dating yourself, which we're talking all about today. Sometimes it's on your commute, or sometimes it's when you, you know, maybe you've carved out 30 minutes of walking or something. So I feel like it's gonna really help people have access. And I'm excited that you can do the meditations too, because I lead some of those in the book and sometimes reading a meditation is a little tricky instead of being led through one. So I'm really excited about that.
jeanne (08:40.902)
Yeah.
jeanne (08:52.59)
Oh, awesome.
jeanne (08:59.29)
Yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (09:01.59)
But there's a chapter on rebuilding relationships and we're talking about how if you have been through a negative relationship or this could be, you know, your history and your childhood or this could be gaslighting, this could be unhealthy work dynamics, I mean, whatever kind of relationship you've had where you start to disconnect from yourself, part of learning to trust others again is about rebuilding and learning from yourself.
jeanne (09:05.125)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (09:30.58)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (09:30.674)
And so I talked about time alone and dating yourself. I'll read a little bit of it. So how you spend your time between relationships can be an enriching and healing time. With my clients, I often explore the idea of dating themselves. This is when you relearn about your deepest desires and needs and can come fully in relationship with yourself. You will learn to enjoy your own company. Think about the beginning stages of dating someone.
jeanne (09:44.41)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (09:57.482)
You put energy into doing things to get to know and enjoy them. This is what you should be doing with yourself. And then I kind of go through some ideas of things you can do. If you think about no longer being in a negative relationship by focusing on your wellness and health, you'll be engaging in positive reparenting and self-care. So we might kind of unpack those terms a little. Also, by seeking safety for yourself during the time that you're dating yourself.
jeanne (10:19.114)
Hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (10:26.474)
You can also discover more about who you are or the new you after a huge change in your life. So that's another thing too. Dating yourself should be a constant practice, but it should especially happen after going through a major life change. That's a really important time to focus on that too.
jeanne (10:44.04)
Yeah. But the thing is also it comes back to nurturing yourself as well. We always talk about you look after your body, you look after your mind, you look after your soul and this is part of it, right? So if you were to take for example a marriage, it only works and stays healthy because you keep working at it and you keep checking in with each other and you keep having good communication. And if you were not to do that with yourself, the most arguably, the most important being in your life.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (11:04.343)
Right.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (11:13.479)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (11:13.864)
then that's gonna lead to some issues. But my thing with this is I always like, maybe it's just my history, but I love to put things into practical perspective for myself so I can make work out of it. And like when you're saying, okay, date yourself, get to know yourself, get to know your likes and your dislikes, for many people, it certainly was for me, you're at such a stage where you're so lost in that.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (11:29.486)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (11:43.512)
And it's such unfamiliar territory to you. You really just don't even know where to start. Like, how do you start understanding what you like? Like, it's been such a long time since you even dared ask yourself this question. You know, and then what happened for me was when I started to sit down and I was really trying to understand who is this person, who is me? What makes me happy? What do I like? I would write these things down and I would
Dr. Amelia Kelley (11:43.617)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (11:48.694)
Mmm.
jeanne (12:13.184)
constantly see that I was referencing things that other people that are close to me like. They like doing this. This is what makes them happy and I do it because that makes them happy. So getting to a point of understanding what makes me happy and what makes me thrive was a really difficult journey for me. How did you get to that part? Like how do you start doing that?
Dr. Amelia Kelley (12:18.626)
Mmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (12:34.499)
Hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (12:40.678)
I don't think it even has to be these big grand efforts also. You don't necessarily have to take yourself on a date to a cooking class, although that would be fun. I remember in between relationships when I had broken up from a long-term boyfriend that I had before meeting my husband. I remember this night where I made myself a very mundane dinner. It was probably some...
prepackaged thing and you know I put it on my plate I set it down I put Grey's Anatomy on which who knows what year this could have been because it's been like 20 years since that show has been on but I put Grey's Anatomy on I lit a candle like I kind of did these almost like nice things that you would do if you were trying to set the mood for someone else too and I remember sitting down and thinking gosh I really like my company I don't really need
jeanne (13:29.011)
Yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (13:39.902)
a partner, I don't really need to find someone. And I know it's annoying, but that was right before I actually met my husband. That story like when you do when you stop looking, you find them. But I think that's a big piece of it is, like, what would you do to make other people comfortable in a situation or an environment? How would you maybe enhance? And especially with a lot of our sensitive listeners, what would you do to make something really nice for other people?
jeanne (13:48.807)
Ha ha ha!
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (14:09.246)
you can do that for yourself in these small little ways. But to what you are speaking about, you don't learn what those ways are if you don't slow down enough and spend some time on your own, doing whatever form of self-care or reflection you really enjoy. That's when you start hearing, these are the things I like. That's when you start learning.
jeanne (14:20.433)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (14:33.216)
Mm-hmm. That's so interesting because my wiring was like this. I love to be alone. Ever since I can remember like Friday nights, usually when I was still working at legal aid, that was my thing. All my friends would go out for drinks after work and I would have this routine. I go to the DVD shop. DVD?
Dr. Amelia Kelley (14:42.538)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (14:52.782)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (15:00.513)
We're both dating ourselves.
jeanne (15:03.641)
And I would pick out like two DVDs, I'd pick up a pizza and nobody, everybody who knew me knew, do not knock on my door on Friday night. Like this is, I don't want to see anybody, I don't want to hear anybody. So I've always been comfortable with being alone. My problem is that I get so deeply ingrained in being alone and in my inner narrative, I think I start thinking too much, you know? And it always goes...
Dr. Amelia Kelley (15:26.286)
Mmm.
jeanne (15:31.232)
towards the space of, okay, what can I do to be a better human being for the people around me? Oh, I can practice self growth, I can do this course, I can meditate, I can journal. And then at the end of it all, I was like, okay, this was wonderful and enlightening and enriching, but this was all for the people around me and how I can show up better for somebody else in the world. Like, how do I show up for me? And
I think it really hit home and somebody asked me, what do you do for yourself? I was like, oh, many things. I meditate. No, you do that because that's part of your anxiety management. You have to do that. Oh yes, that's true. Okay. I exercise. I, I exercise every day. Um, yes, but you do that to be healthy and to get rid of all that anxious energy. What do you do for yourself? Just for you, not because you're managing something or because you're trying to be healthy and I was just completely stunned. It was like, um.
Well, everything that I thought I was doing for me turns out may not have just been for me. No, no.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (16:35.658)
Right, right. And not to say that things like meditation and exercise are not, but it's all about that intentionality I'm hearing you say, like what is the reason behind it? It makes me think of what you just said. If you spend time with yourself, you go into kind of this space of self improvement or learning or knowledge. What if when you were on a date with someone, instead of what do you like to do, you said, how do you self-improve?
jeanne (16:44.144)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (17:05.981)
Can you imagine that? I think this per person would just run out of the door as fast as possible. That would be like going on a first date and it's like, okay, I'd like to have three kids. I'm planning on getting married within the next month. Like, yes. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Dr. Amelia Kelley (17:16.834)
Hehehe
What does your 401k look like right now? So I think that's an important piece that dating, yes, it can be heavy and you're learning a lot and you're diving in, but is it balanced with play? You know, are you also being playful with yourself? Are you also not taking yourself so serious? Are you allowing for downtime and rest? I think whatever your tendency is.
jeanne (17:37.098)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (17:50.406)
kind of shutting down when you're on your own, maybe you are going to want to look to be more playful and more active if you want to learn more about yourself. Or if you tend to be someone who's always on the go and trying new things, maybe your version of knowing more about yourself and dating yourself is trying the opposite of how do I maybe draw a bath and put some petals in it and light candles and read a book? Like how do I slow down and go the other way?
jeanne (18:14.996)
Hmm.
jeanne (18:19.132)
Yeah, for me, a key part of that was that inner stillness because my mind is always buzzing with so much like energy and things going on. And once you reach that point of stillness to tell myself, like, I don't need to be doing something to justify the stillness right now. I can just be still like.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (18:22.656)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (18:41.486)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (18:42.82)
I don't need to justify it by saying, okay, I'm going to work on myself in this period of stillness or I'm going to do this or that. I can just sit and actually podcasts helped me a lot with that. Like lighthearted podcasts, like I love Doug Shepard's podcast because it takes my mind off of all of these internal conversations I'm constantly having with myself, but I'm still alone with myself.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (18:47.086)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (18:59.522)
Hehe. Mhm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (19:07.252)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (19:10.824)
And so I love the part where you said you do need to get that to that still place. Because how will you know if you don't get there? But sometimes getting there is part of the journey.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (19:26.378)
Right. And I think because you had mentioned, you know, parenthood and being on for everyone else with the people I work with and even honestly myself who struggle to compartmentalize that, I do think it's important to set dates if you need to. You know, you wouldn't just, normally if you were dating someone, you wouldn't just show up at their house unannounced. Maybe, maybe not.
jeanne (19:45.711)
Mm. Mm-hmm.
jeanne (19:53.608)
Yeah, my husband and I have a date set every month for date night. So it just makes sense. You do that for yourself.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (19:58.678)
So do we. We should talk about that. Yeah, no, we've been ever since we had our daughter, we're like, we're going to stick to this once a month. It makes a big difference.
jeanne (20:07.665)
Yeah, huge difference.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (20:09.718)
But I think the relationship with yourself, I don't know if monthly is enough.
jeanne (20:15.356)
Yeah, no, for sure. You need to say it a little bit more. But what I was meaning with that is I just think that if you were so dedicated to doing that for somebody else, why would you not do that for yourself? Yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (20:27.378)
Exactly, exactly. I wonder what the kind of like magic number for everyone would be. I think as a highly sensitive person, research actually says that we need on average two hours of unstructured time per day.
jeanne (20:42.344)
I was just gonna say for me, it's daily. I need those 20 minutes of stillness. I need the downtime before bed. But yeah, again, I have to concentrate. Getting still is not the issue for me. What I do with my stillness is the issue. Like reminding myself you are here for you right now. Not to improve you for the world around you.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (20:45.718)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (21:03.351)
Mmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (21:07.342)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (21:12.464)
just you, that that's my kind of stumbling block.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (21:13.741)
Right.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (21:17.622)
Right. And you know, the interesting thing too, when you do date yourself, and this is why in the book we talked about it in the rebuilding relationships as a whole, it does make you more available for finding healthy relationships. If you are, if you're sitting here thinking, you know, I get it, you're saying Valentine's Day is for loving yourself and loving everyone, but I just really want to go on a date. You know, someone who's just like, I just really want to go on a date with another person.
jeanne (21:25.885)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (21:44.511)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (21:47.823)
You have to, I believe, you have to start with dating yourself first before you're going to find someone that vibrates at the same frequency that you deserve.
jeanne (21:58.128)
Yeah. And also when you're dating yourself like that and you get to know the innermost parts of you, I feel it became a lot easier for me to recognize red flags. Not necessarily red flags, like abusive or negative, but red flags that would not suit with my personality, that wouldn't be a relationship that would be empowering or healthy for me. And
Dr. Amelia Kelley (22:11.438)
Totally.
jeanne (22:28.216)
I mean, most of my long-term relationships were built because I didn't date myself and I didn't know what was needed from me and for me. And then you cultivate the wrong types of relationships with others. And it definitely helped me to really recognize, oh, I don't think this is probably not for me. I think I should steer clear or this isn't something I should pursue even in a business environment.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (22:34.028)
Mm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (22:51.349)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (22:56.49)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, and if you think about, this doesn't just apply if you're single, this very much applies if you're in a committed relationship also, because we are always learning and evolving, and if you're not actively in relationship with yourself, you're not going to be able to keep up with even just red flags or green flags that can happen in your relationship. And you'll be more likely, I believe, to be...
jeanne (23:04.764)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (23:25.394)
emotionally available if you've gotten the time that you need. And this really comes down to, I think, a precursor to dating yourself is being able to establish boundaries when you need to, which can be tricky for some people.
jeanne (23:37.879)
Mm-hmm.
Very tricky. And we should boundaries is a is a whole episode. I have so many thoughts about boundaries. But one thing I would say, though, is it's important to understand that this does apply also in a relationship, because you do start to lose the ability to communicate what you want. And if I look back on some of the most
Dr. Amelia Kelley (23:49.82)
I'm not sure.
jeanne (24:08.52)
difficult conversations I've had in relationships. A lot of that was blame that could also be attributed to me because not only didn't I know how to communicate what I want, I didn't know what I wanted. So you get frustrated and you're demanding something from the other person, but you're not even able to vocalize what it is that you want. How do you want to go about fixing this? How do you want it to be done in future? What was it about it that upset you?
Dr. Amelia Kelley (24:11.384)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (24:21.102)
Hmm
jeanne (24:38.016)
Because you don't know. And like you say, we're always evolving. Things will always change in your relationship. Your kids will grow up, you'll change jobs, you'll go into different phases of your lives between you and your partner. And this communication is so integral. And if you're not able to vocalize what it is that you need, it's just gonna make things so much more difficult.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (24:39.266)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (24:58.41)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (25:04.426)
Yeah, at the end of the day, you're the one that's always there. Through it all. You're always with you. And I do notice with my clients who either have gone through abusive relationships or they've had complex trauma situations from their past, there is this sense of I want to reclaim myself and I want to get to know myself and I want to find myself. And I think...
jeanne (25:07.844)
Yeah, you're always with you.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (25:34.082)
this concept can simplify that. Because I think the idea of finding yourself and figuring out who you are, it's just this huge task. There's no limit to it. And so I think the process of saying, okay, take a pause, let's get fun, let's not be over serious about this process, it doesn't have to be just really intense work.
jeanne (25:42.624)
Hmm.
jeanne (25:46.205)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (26:00.966)
I think sometimes getting to know myself can feel really intense. It can be great, right? You can be playful. Like I said, just things that you used to love to do when you were a child, maybe jotting down things, hobbies that you had and seeing how many of them you would still like to try or things you've never tried that you'd like to do. Or, you know, even again, even if you are in a relationship,
jeanne (26:05.2)
Yeah, you need to get a course on it. You need to download a book like
Dr. Amelia Kelley (26:29.202)
getting yourself out into, you know, getting some self-care done or things like that, it can be fun and it can be playful.
jeanne (26:38.564)
Yeah, and I think also to be just kind to yourself, which I love saying and obviously hate doing. But yeah, maybe. But, you know, just also understanding that you may not like everything you try and that's okay. And don't give up because I did that, you know, like, okay, maybe I would love to.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (26:46.592)
Maybe that'll change as we do our podcast.
jeanne (27:02.492)
go hiking and I had a terrible experience when I went to do it and I was like, yeah, this is definitely not for me. So I don't know what I want. I'm giving up again for three months. Like try it. And if you don't like it, that's also okay. And kind of view it as something. Okay. I tried that. I take that one off the box. That's definitely not for me. What's the next thing that I think I want to try.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (27:08.046)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (27:14.015)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (27:23.258)
Absolutely. And you also don't necessarily have to be completely alone either to date yourself. And I don't just mean not in a committed relationship. I think in our last episode, I was mentioning how my husband and I like to be social and to be out with other people. So sometimes you can even think it's kind of a mental shift if you are in a space with other people and you are enjoying other people's company.
jeanne (27:29.115)
Yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (27:52.118)
but you think, hey me, I'm tired or I'm overwhelmed or I'm whatever. How would you step up for a partner in that moment? Would you be like, hey, are you ready to go home? So it's almost this kind of internal experience where you and yourself get to be in communication with what you need, even in moments if there's other people around.
jeanne (27:55.971)
Ha ha ha.
jeanne (28:08.544)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (28:17.156)
Yeah, that's important because that ability to go within, especially for highly sensitive people that are prone to overstimulation and overwhelm can really be a lifesaver to you. And understanding what your limitations are like, okay, this is as far as I can go. I'm being kind to myself and I'm exiting this situation. So there are so many elements towards dating yourself, but
Dr. Amelia Kelley (28:37.844)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (28:45.902)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (28:47.288)
Now the next question is, so many of us would say, I don't have the time for that. That sounds like an amazing concept, but I have two kids with a hundred extramural activities. I've got a job, I've got a husband, I've got a cook. We unfortunately don't all have the same support structures and systems in place. And I completely get that. And I...
also come from a background like that. So I really, really get that. But the hardest lesson I think I've learned is that you absolutely do have time for the things you make time for. You know, like that extra 15 minutes I choose to rather sleep than get up is time I make time for, you know. Especially if you've worked late and you're doing that to be kind to yourself, of course, that's completely different. But...
Dr. Amelia Kelley (29:17.941)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (29:28.279)
Yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (29:36.421)
Heh. Right.
jeanne (29:43.352)
the amount of things that I'm doing in my inner life and different things that I'm doing in my life because I've given, I've just changed my way of thinking of like, I do have the time to do this, I can make the time to do this. And then doing it and understanding how little time it actually takes from you, it is possible. It's just making that mind shift of, it's a choice really.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (30:10.346)
Yeah, you're right. I mean, and again, it doesn't have to be. I was saying that at dinner, lighting a candle for myself and watching a show I liked and having introspective positive thinking was my version of dating myself. I mean, we all eat dinner. Can you take the time to maybe set the mood with some music or a candle for yourself? I mean, that's something you all already. Well, I assume most people already are doing.
jeanne (30:18.496)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (30:24.116)
Yeah.
jeanne (30:28.137)
Yeah.
jeanne (30:33.562)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (30:39.158)
So yeah, like are there little ways to make special moments and to give pause in addition to some grand things? I mean, if you have the time and the means, by all means, go get that pedicure or go for that mountain hike or go on the trip. Do the things if you have the means for it and that makes sense for your life, certainly.
jeanne (30:49.268)
Yeah.
jeanne (31:01.5)
Yeah, and I'm all into the little things because I really believe that's the things we end up sticking with if we don't have to make these continuous grand gestures towards ourselves. And the little things start to become the big things because it starts to slowly snowball into more and more and more like the little things I love to do is I love doing my skincare routine at night. Like it's something all of us do.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (31:06.798)
true.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (31:13.855)
and
jeanne (31:27.236)
It makes me feel like I'm washing off the day. I'm cleansing that energy. And I did something just for me, even if it just took two minutes, you know? I love, for example, having a cup of tea at night before bed. It doesn't have to be a half an hour expedition, but it's something I do just for me. So the smaller actually almost the better because the small things start to lead to the big things. And...
Dr. Amelia Kelley (31:34.382)
I love that.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (31:50.158)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (31:56.43)
Very true.
jeanne (31:57.032)
We don't always have to start at level 10.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (32:00.018)
Right. It's funny, I even had this idea pop in my mind, like, what would it be like if during the day, if you think of nice things about yourself or an idea, or if you have something you're curious about, what if you texted yourself? And like later in the day, you read what you say, or I don't know, I just had this kind of thinking, what's something you do on a normal basis with people that you're dating?
jeanne (32:20.89)
Oh, how cool is that?
Dr. Amelia Kelley (32:30.226)
Maybe not texting, but it's kind of like journaling. But yeah, something like that. Like you really killed it this morning with this project, or I don't know something. Or like you should check out this podcast later. You might like it. You should check out the sensitivity doctors later. You might like it.
jeanne (32:31.5)
Oh, that is so cool. Or send yourself an email or a voicemail. That is so cool. I'm so glad.
jeanne (32:42.566)
in my
jeanne (32:46.724)
Yeah, because in my.
jeanne (32:52.82)
In my previous life when I was still doing a lot of mentorship, one of the things I used to do in my program was that I would have the participants handwrite a letter to themselves with what they would want their future self to know and address it to where it needed to go and I would collect it and four months after the session I would mail it to them. And
Dr. Amelia Kelley (33:09.678)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (33:19.368)
Oh, I love that.
jeanne (33:20.824)
they always had such great feedback on that because four months is kind of enough to fall back into your old cycles, you know, like the stress has begun. Yes, and then them getting these letters that they wrote on this kind of high after the program and what they wanted themselves to know and reading that back in your own handwriting, it just feels so profound, you know.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (33:27.99)
Yes, the whole season has passed.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (33:43.726)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's really neat. I love that. Sometimes I'll do this exercise if you need, well, and you could do it both with your right hand or your left hand, whatever your dominant is, but if someone has like a child part or a younger part that they're struggling with or had gone through a struggle, I'll have them do a left hand, right hand writing exercise where you'll start with your dominant hand.
and, you know, hey, how's it going? What do you need? And then you respond with your non-dominant hand as the younger part of you. And it creates this dialogue, it taps into two different parts of your brain. So I can almost see not using your non-dominant hand if you're dating yourself, but what would happen if you kind of split a page in half, checked in, hey, how's it been going? I know you're struggling with A, B or C. And then respond as yourself on the other side.
jeanne (34:15.764)
Wow. Yeah?
Dr. Amelia Kelley (34:39.466)
with both dominant hands if you want to, kind of having that dialogue and then save it and send it to yourself. Like I'm just kind of kicking it up a notch if you wanted to do this internal dating experience, this dialogue together with yourself. Mm-hmm.
jeanne (34:53.064)
Oh yeah, that is such a cool idea. That's such a cool idea. And it's all things that are so small and doesn't have to take a lot of time that you can just do for yourself. And I'm always telling people, you know, for me, it was so difficult to do self care and there's so many reasons not to do it. And there was so many excuses, but I learned that I'm not really.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (35:04.933)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (35:17.648)
only doing it for me. I'm also doing it for the people who live with me every single day, because if I'm in a better space with me, I get to be in a better space with them and I get to better show up for them. So it's just as important for me to be good and healthy so I can be good and healthy for them. Um, and you know, it's just really about caring about the kind of person that you are for the people that you love. And
Dr. Amelia Kelley (35:29.623)
Yes.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (35:36.759)
Right.
jeanne (35:46.824)
That's self-care.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (35:48.406)
And it's funny when you were saying that, I was thinking of this time that I walked in to my bathroom and my daughter, who was probably, I wanna say your daughter's age at the time, or maybe five or so, she was laying in the tub, fully dressed, she was laying in the tub, she had like a cushion behind her, she was holding a book, she had a little drink of water, and I was thinking, okay, what are you doing, honey?
jeanne (36:09.277)
Ha!
jeanne (36:15.444)
But she's wet, like she's submerged in the water fully clothed. Oh, okay. Okay, okay.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (36:17.222)
No, no, no. She just set herself up in like a pretend scenario, right? We had all the things. And I was like, Hey, honey, what are you doing? She said, I'm being mommy. And I loved that. I'm like, that's so neat. She's watching me do these things when I need them. And it's teaching her that this is part of being a holistic person. You deserve to date yourself. You deserve to take care of yourself. You deserve to...
jeanne (36:30.164)
Ah!
jeanne (36:34.862)
Yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (36:45.902)
draw that bath and read that book. And it's funny, I think back when they were younger, I feel like they traipsed into the bathroom more. So they probably really got to see my self care more. Now they're a little older, I'll lock the door. But it's just kind of that funny, beautiful thing that happens when you do that. It gives other people in your life permission to do that for themselves as well.
jeanne (36:54.112)
I'm sorry.
jeanne (37:05.401)
Yeah.
jeanne (37:11.252)
That's so true because I will often tell my little girl, okay, mommy's gonna go meditate now. So just give me a couple of minutes. And she started coming to me. She had an overwhelming day. She scored very high on the highly sensitive child test, by the way. And she will tell me, okay, mommy, I just need a few minutes now. Don't bother me. I'm gonna go meditate.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (37:26.19)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (37:34.191)
Aw, I love that.
jeanne (37:34.708)
And she will really sit there and close her eyes and breathe in and breathe out. And like, she'll sit there for like a solid five minutes and completely just be with herself. And it just made me feel so good because I didn't come from an environment like that and being able to give that to her was just such a gift to me, uh, to see that, um, and again, it's because we made the time to date ourselves and ultimately you want that for your kids.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (37:39.746)
That's so cool.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (37:50.03)
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (38:01.176)
Right.
Have you guys ever used or seen the channel Cosmic Kids Yoga?
jeanne (38:10.256)
No, I haven't actually. Okay, so gonna check that out.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (38:11.018)
You should, I think she would love it. I think she would love it. It's this, I'm not even gonna pretend I know what accent the woman has, because like I said, I'm bad at accents. So she has a really cool accent. She's from somewhere. And it's this yoga instructor who tailor makes kids yoga, but with like fun backgrounds and her outfits go with, and it's like a whole storyline. So there's like a frozen one or Halloween yoga or it's, she's great. They're very well produced. Yeah.
jeanne (38:18.657)
Hahaha!
jeanne (38:37.256)
Oh, that's so cool. I want to do that. Okay. No, I'm definitely going to check that out. So I hope that our audience is going to take the time to date themselves. Maybe not on Valentine's day, but just a little bit, do something for yourself. Just a little bit, just something small every day or every second day, once a week, build up to every day. Yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (38:43.679)
Yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (38:55.839)
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (39:00.682)
I'd love to hear what people do too. I mean, reach out to us on Instagram. I'd love like a little message like, hey, I dated myself by doing this. I'll definitely give you some thumbs up and applause for that, because that would be really neat.
jeanne (39:09.896)
Yeah.
jeanne (39:13.744)
Yeah, me too. But also like I'd love to have new ideas of how I can date myself. So if you're more creative than I am, then I want to hear all about it for sure. So in closing, what are you celebrating today?
Dr. Amelia Kelley (39:17.846)
Yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (39:22.294)
Yes, for sure.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (39:29.538)
I think I'm celebrating that I have the opportunity to go do that cooking class. I'm excited about that. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, just being able to, but also the self-care piece. I'm going to make sure to do something nice for myself too on Valentine's Day or around it. What about you?
jeanne (39:39.612)
Oh, that's gonna be so much fun.
jeanne (39:51.337)
Mm-hmm.
jeanne (39:54.912)
I'm celebrating that I've had a really good tummy day. Like my anxiety has been ramping up and I've been placed on a low FODMAP, low gluten-free, lactose-free diet to see what may be upsetting me. And it's like this whole six week process and then putting things back. And I've just been in a miserable space and today has been a great day. I felt the best that I have ever.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (39:59.115)
Oh.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (40:07.986)
Oh my goodness. Yeah.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (40:18.856)
Oh, God.
jeanne (40:21.864)
So I think it's finally starting to help and I'm celebrating that. So we'll see you again next time on the sensitivity doctors. Ciao.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (40:22.339)
awesome.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (40:25.698)
Well, maybe we should record every single day because maybe... Your antidote.
Dr. Amelia Kelley (40:39.822)
Bye.